Strong Mind Weak Mind

It's the era of social media nowadays. For better or worse, the direct effect of this phenomenon is that people are expressing their thoughts freely using their statuses; be it Facebook, Twitter, Path, or other. Some people share their composed thinking on an issue, and it's great to learn an interesting point of view every now and then. Other times, we are faced with people either boasting or complaining about their situation. "Oh its so tired" "I'm so grateful!" I might even have done it once unconciously :). However as an individual who values "mental strenght" I have a particular disgust to people who rants or complaints in social media about LOVE. More so if its a guy in their 20s. I mean, come on, you're not a teenager anymore. Doesn't work with a girl ? Move on. No need to show the world for your weakness.

I had my share of troubles also with girls, or friends, or colleagues, but I still survive. I got cut off from social interaction and people hated me for a period of time, yet here I am still breathing. So when comparing to my experience like that, the thought "Seriously dude, love problems ? Why can't you just deal with it? You're like 20 something and working! DON'T BE A LOSER." Everytime a status like this strolls by  my news feed I get seriously annoyed and got real close to comment unimaginable ruthless words.

Yesterday though, I read a status like this and got annoyed as always. But then that got me thinking, why is it that I can pretty much deal with girl problems easier this days ? Is it true that I have a strong mind over mental issues ? Well I am indeed an introvert, so solitary and isolation is my forte. Yet as I drill my memory back in time, I remember how I have also been really frustrated and sad. But I don't want to rant on social media, I don't feel like showing a hint of weakness anywhere. I guess pride got the better of me instead of sadness. But I still need to channel my frustration somehow, where did I vent them to ?

As I remember, it all makes sense now. There was always someone to rant to. Always someone to cry to and be perfectly weak. It's not that I have a strong mind, I am indeed very weak. Probably not any different with the people ranting about love in social media. I remember it was indeed Jesus who calms my mind. By His grace and love that I was nurtured and hugged. That when I was in my most vulnerable and weak, I can find rest in Him. I would cry to Him and surrender everything to Him, since there are really nothing that can be done. But it was always that when I give Him full control, when I stopped forcing my way and just trust him that things got a turn to the better. It wasn't me, it was Him who made me strong. 

8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast (Eph 2:8-9)

I kinda feel bad now for looking down at someone's weakness.How I wish he would know that he doesn't need anything else, that Jesus is actually enough.

Facing Sins

Taken from a recent sermon by Tim Keller titled How to Change Deeply.

Here's what he said about facing our sins :

O Lord, when I fall into pride
When I am upset by what people are saying about me
When I get so upset about losing face
I have to remember this :
that at the cross You make Yourself of no reputation.
You give up all Your power and all Your glory for me.
and the more I thank and rejoice You did that, the less I need to worry about my own Honour and reputation whether people are approving me or not.

O Lord when I fall into coldness and irritability with people , I remember this :
That in the garden just before You died, You were so gentle and affirming of us when we went to sleep on You.
On the cross You have  yourself to people who abandon You and mock you and the more I thank and rejoice You did that to me, melts away my hardness of heart and makes me able to be patient so I can tend to the people around me.

O Lord when I fall into anxiety and fearfullness, I remember that you faced the most astonishing dangers for me.
You were torn to pieces so bravely for me so I can be utterly loved and eternally saved.
The more I thank You for that, the more I get myself getting calm because I don't have to prove myself anymore and that gives me a kind of courage I never had before.

Do you know how to use what Jesus has done to You, and say, "Why would I need to this anymore ?"

What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard and what no human mind has conceived, the things God has prepared for those who love him. (1 Cor 2: 9 )

It never really happened really, what I felt months ago. To meet someone so suitable I instantly thought that she might just be the one I'm looking for. But even to that, it's a no. Makes me wonder sometimes, if not even her, who will ? I set my standard at 10, yet someone appears at 12. How could a 12 out of 10 still be a no? God are You out of Your mind? 

I can never really predict Your plan now can I ? But I will hold fast to Your promise. If You even held a 12 from me, I can't even imagine the partner that you will have for me. I will abide. I already know whenever I insist of going out of your way, only bitterness and disappointment awaits. Track record kinda speaks for itself, especially when it comes to You. I will put my faith in you again, cause there's nothing else I can really do to outsmart Your will. 

An encounter with Heidi Baker.

My church held a conference last weekend, inviting foreign pastors to speak the word of God. One of the speakers is Heidi Baker. She is the reason why I want to go to this conference. All that I know when I bought the ticket was she is a missionary in Africa and dedicates her life there. Little do I know that she is far far more than that story. She is a woman who truly loves God, to the point that I who was sitting 50 meters away could be touched just seeing her being immersed in the Holy Spirit. It was said in Acts that even touching the robe that Paul had worn can do healing. After seeing Heidi, I can see why she can perform miracles of healing and such. She truly loves the Lord.

Heidi Preaching in Mozambique (source: www.irisglobal.org)

Heidi was a normal girl particularly really loving ballet. She even spent a one year internship in Switzerland learning them. Please do note that I know nothing about dancing and such, so I'm not sure if there would be some discrepancies about my description in this ballet :). Anyway the point is she really loved ballet. Until suddenly she met Jesus in one point of her life. An encounter so powerful it seems, that she accepted Christ as her lord and saviour in one day and was baptised by the Holy Spirit the next day. Just by hearing her story I realised, God will definitely use her for something big. She said that she was born again in a Pentacostal church, and after she was born again they gave her a long list of what she can never do again. Heidi was so in love with Jesus that she didn't care whatever it was, she would stop doing anything. However one of the things that she needs to give up is dancing. 

Let's pause for a while and reflect, what is the thing you really love doing in your life? Travelling ? Drawing and making designs ? Playing music? Singing? (or if you're like me) Doing some science experiments? Making a whole lot of money? Climbing the career path? Imagine right now that God says you no longer will be able to do it anymore. I will definitely cry my heart out and say "ANYTHING BUT THAT LORD!". Heidi was also like me, she was deeply in pain and grieved. But note this: She loved Jesus more, so she gave up ballet. The grief lasted for around 9 days. Just as it's not enough, now God says to marry Roland Baker. Seems not a big deal, until she told us that she was already engaged to someone which she loved very dearly. Another thing got ripped out of her heart, and she obeyed the Lord. She met this Roland and after just one week of meeting him they got married.

However her obedience leads her to travel the world according to what God says to her. She went to Indonesia, Hong Kong, England, (maybe some other places), until finally landed in Mozambique. Where her ministry remains fruitful until today. There were a lot of struggles in her ministry there, if you're interested to know more you can open this link here . However one thing stays true : her supernatural faith and obedience to the Lord.

After she had spent some time in Mozambique, she got invited to a conference in Brazil. Before it was her turn to take the stage, there were ballet dancers dancing for the Lord. Heidi said that their techniques and turns were just perfect, especially if you were once trained for ballet. It reminded her about the ballet she once so loved about. Then when she preached, at one point the whole audience, her, and even the committee was so full of God's presence that they were all facing down to the floor. Unable to get up, the two ballerinas crawled their way up to Heidi and laid their toe-shoes in front of her. The message they brought was this, "The Lord says: Thank you for dancing with me across the world these past years.". It brought tears to my eyes. Heidi said how could you not feel so happy being thanked by the Lord ? She was completely happy, and then after the ballerinas, now come a man paralyzed from the neck down. He was brought by his friends to Heidi to be healed. Heidi then crawled to him, looked him in the eyes, and said, "Do you want to dance? Get up! Let's Dance!" And so he miraculously was healed and got up. They had the most amazing dance ever afterwards.

After telling this story, she said something like this, "I was so ashamed to think that giving up ballet was painful. Seeing a paralyzed man to walk on his feet brings joy far greater than ballet could ever give". 

I was so touched by Heidi, even though she didn't even laid hands on me at all. When I got home, I prayed and was immersed with the Holy Spirit. I want to love Jesus as much as Heidi Baker did. Then in my heart I felt a glimpse of what God's future for me was. To go to places I have never imagined before. I, was scared. For the first time in my life, I am afraid of God's plan. I am afraid what God has planned for me, requires me to throw away everything I possess today. I have always longed to love Jesus, and to trust Him unconditionally. But this one, it was the hardest ever. 

Good guys lose, but it doesn't matter.

Yesterday I watched the battle of Manny Pacquiao against Floyd Mayweather, Jr. I am not an avid boxing fan or anything, but sometimes I like to follow on their stories, especially about Manny. I remember seeing Manny fight in the TVs a few years back and he was astounding and amazing. Even better, he came from Philippines, a neighbour of my own country! However after a while when I watched Manny fought again, I felt like he was not as good as I imagined him before. 

And so came the fight that was really talked around (in 9gag, at least), and I get dragged to watch this boxing match again. My senses told me that, Manny is not as good as he was and this Mayweather guy (with 0 lose track record) seems to have the upper hand. But somedays before the fated battle, 9gag was filled with how Manny spends his time donating and helping the poor. Meanwhile Mayweather is just some douchebag who spends his ass with luxury. After slightly indoctrinated with this, I have the hope that Manny should win ! He's that nice guy and the whole world loves him ! He should be allowed to win, I mean he has this "Jesus is the name of the Lord" written in his T-shirt before his fight! He's the good guy, God must be with him!

But when the bell rang, it was clear only just after a few rounds that he can barely hit Mayweather who is controlling the pace of the battle. In my opinion, Manny lost deservingly. The way Mayweather fights is not cowardly, that is a strategy to win and it pull through. He won by a well-deserved unanimous decision

Now this event will certainly broke the hearts of the many fans. A good guy who helps the poor lost while the rich douchebag wins. Life is just not as fair as the movies isn't it? Movies will end with Manny giving Mayweather the K.O punch, but real life just is not as good. Just because you are good,   just because you are kind and royal, just because you love Jesus Christ your God, does not mean that you will win all your battles. It doesn't mean 100% winning rate like what Mayweather has in his boxing career (up until now). It still means that you will lose the fights you so deservingly should be given victory of. It still means that even after all that money you donate, after all the volunteering and after all that love, you will still be treated badly. Even if you do the good things, the world might still defeat you in the end. 

It's a reminder that it's not always about the output, but it's about the process. Manny lost, yes indeed, but his boxing career has been an inspiration and has saved a lot of people. Even after he lost, he still has the love of the people for him. God gave Manny enough wins already, enough for him to touch a lot of people by His name. Maybe He thinks winning this fight is not as important, compared to the other things God has planned for him. It's also the same with us, isn't it?

We love Christ, and we do good things because He loved us first. But then why is my financial still a problem ? Why is it always that douche who got the credit ? Why is my research still standing still ? The answer should be obvious : who promised you an easy life ? God saved Paul from being an abuser of Christians by saying "For I will show Him how much he must suffer for My name's sake". It's a mistake to think good guys always win. No, we will still lose, but to a renewed heart, what does it matter ? The perfect gift for us would be seeing our Father smile at us and say "I am well pleased in you, my child". 

Fire

Set a fire down in my soul that I can't contain, I can't control. I want more of You God, I want more of You God. (Jesus Culture - Set a Fire)

But if I say, " I will not mention his word or speak anymore in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot (Jeremiah 19:9 - NIV)

For my generation Lord, I am crying out for more. Come and fill me with your fire, set me ablaze. (Planetshakers - Set Me Ablaze)

I don't really have anything to say, just that these words, relates to me for a long while now. I long that my heart will always be burnt with His love. Burning brighter and hotter with each passing day.  

Discipline for the heart

Last week I got tricked by a guy and lost around 400 Kroners + 50 Euros from my wallet. I was furious and felt really dumb when I realised. However there is more to this story than just that. A story of how God tests the heart of His children. A story of how God chastises his child to always be in the right path.

This is the fourth month I've been in Denmark, and that would also imply I have received 3 monthly salaries. I checked my monthly balance and became surprised of how much I can actually save up in a month. So that tragic morning I was wandering around Copenhagen and Nørrebro to get a cheap haircut. Inside the train and inside the bus, my mind was wandering around on what I could do with the money I have. Should I go on a vacation next month ? Should I buy an expensive racket instead ? I was indulging myself in the imagination of luxury. I guess those are pretty normal thoughts for someone who never earns a lot of money (If I change it to IDR it is really a lot).

Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the LORD?' Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God. (Proverbs 30:8-9)

So I was switching trains in Hellerup Station when someone calls me with Danish (looked like an immigrant) and the only word I can hear is "change" while He is shoving a coin of 20 Kroners to me. Usually I would just shrug him off and say I don't have any change, but that fateful morning I took my wallet out in front of him and showed him the coins I have. Sort of saying which one do you want ? As soon as I took my wallet out He closed in to a really uncomfortable distance that I want to back off, but I didn't. So for a 30 seconds I was just looking at my wallet with Him while showing him the coins I have. After 1 minute or so He suddenly backed off, while before he was really insisting of getting some change. It was really fishy, but then I gave him 4 kroners and went away. Feeling uncomfortable, I checked my wallet just 1 minute after encountering that guy, and realise that all my paper money has been gone. I had a good look of my money when we were looking at my coins, so this really hit me and made me really furious.

Thankfully my anger doesn't last for long. I realise what had just happened. Just the sunday beforehand, my church sermon was talking about having just enough (above verse). Cause If we have too much we might be proud and forgets that it was all given from Him. This is the message that I (think) I got :

See Hans, you may have some extra money,  but remember as fast those money was entrusted to you, they can be taken away as fast. Is this not what I said in Matthew 6:19-20 "19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20"But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal" ? Have you forgotten why I have put you in Denmark? You are here for my purpose, not to indulge in worldly desires. 

I used to pray: "God lead me to the right path. Discipline me if I wander off your path, do anything that you want so I will stay in the right track because I will surely stray off your path." Funny how He answers in such a way. 

(Hebrews 12:11) No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Children of Light.

[Psalm 51:1-6]
Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

I am a sinful, dirty, and unworthy piece of junk.
I realise , like the psalmist, that my transgressions were so big.
My heart breaks whenever I fall into temptation. I felt a cold emptiness marching into my feelings.
Whenever fear and lust breaks in from the front door, I always succumb.
Ah, surely I am really deserved to be punished.
The fiery pit must be my end journey.

[Psalm 51:10-12]
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.

But I know my God, like the psalmist who never gives up hope.
In that day, He said, I will remember their sins no more.

Jesus Christ was the price for me to still have hope.
The sinless man died for the junk that is me, so that this junk may have another chance for an everlasting life.

Lord equip my new life with your Holy Spirit, so that I may live as children of light.
My God said to me "He who began the good works in you will carry it on to completion"
His covenant is this :
He will finish reshaping my heart. He will take out the parasites rotting in my heart.

Lord I long for that day to come.

More than travelling the European continent.
More than seeing the wonders this earth can offer.
More than settling in a stable life.
More than getting fame and successful results.
More than having a wife of noble character.

I long for your everlasting presence in my life.

So discipline me, oh Lord, but only in due measure.
Chastise me whenever I turn to the wrong path.

Lord you say that if even I have faith as big as a mustard seed, i can command a tree and it will obey.
Grant me obedience. Grant me a faith that can even move mountains.
That in the end of my days, I may proudly say : I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have kept the faith.

In moonless nights, the stars will guide.

Every day I would usually arrive in my house late at night. From my bus stop to my house, there is this steep small hill around 20 meters in height. There are no lights there, and there are some bushes blocking the way so it's hard to pave my way to my house. Thankfully for me, I'm living in the middle of nowhere! 

When the sky is clear, moonlight is all it takes to lighten that dark path so I can evade the bushes. Tonight there was not any moon, seems because yesterday was a full moon. The path was a bit dark, but I realise there were a lot of stars on the sky. Those little beautiful things sparkle and gave me a bit of vision through my path, although not as bright as the moon. 

The stars reminded me of the moon, how it usually shines my path back home cozily. But some nights aren't as good, during snow or rain the clouds would linger and block any light. I usually would then take another route rather than get my shoes all muddy and wet going through the hill. So during the nights the moon was shining, I always felt thankful. 

For the past days and weeks, the moon hasn't showed herself. I can still get myself home, but it takes more effort than it usually is. Things are still going on and research are going to a bit of a good direction, still there's this unease that I can't get off my chest.  At times the sun would shine and joy would return. Many times, in fact that happens. But during the nights, I always wished the moon was there. Thankfully for me, I have a lot of stars during these moonless night, looking at them while dozing off seemed to calm my unease even for a little while. I hope to just fly off to space and land there for once, but the distance is of course, can't be overcame that easy. I miss the moon. 

The stars

Some were born lucky, some were born to fight

The quote in this blog post title came from a path post I saw over months ago. It was used, in the context that the original poster "OP" is someone who fights his / her way to their current position. From a lot of hard work, and chasing their dream. The first thing that came to my mind when I saw the quote was, I am in the former category.

Yes, I was born lucky. So lucky that I don't know how it became that I can be taking a PhD here in DTU. I don't have any research experience nor do I have any publications to start, what else can I think of if I'm not lucky? This doesn't really happen instantly. Throughout my 24 years of living, luck has been the major factor if I could really relate them. I was born into a comfortable family. We're not that rich, but having more than 1 car and a 2 floor house is actually something to be thankful of. 

I don't really have all the gaming consoles or fancy toys when I was growing up, but I had enough toys to play with. I was lucky to be given a brain that can work itself easily. Maybe even myself getting into Indonesia's best (yes, you read that right) engineering school was also luck. I mean I didn't even study for the entrance exam (sort of giving up). When I was in ITB, I could often get an A with only 2-3 days of studying. 

Yes, there are some people who are more talented than me, but I was already better than the vast majority. It was not until my final year of my bachelor degree, that I realise how lucky and blessed I am for having this brain of mine. My supervisor said that I was DAMN LAZY, but thankfully I'm smart so I manage to score a lot of A's. I always thought I was already very hardworking then, but now that I'm in grad school scrolling through lots of papers, I know he was actually right. I had not trained myself discipline in understanding concepts, and now I had to pay the price. My rhythm is completely messed up, that today I was practically doing absolutely nothing useful in my office. 

I could probably go on to count luck in for ALL of my achievements in my CV. I didn't really gave my 100% in all of those, not until I'm cornered though. However along the ways, this luck of mine is actually what I would say a blessing. Atheists might say this as luck, but all of these were all because of His gracious gifts. 

I used to be an ambitious person wanting to score stuffs and get as much achievement as I can, but now I don't have that desire anymore. I have yet to find anything worth fighting these days, not even a girlfriend. I don't have the motivation, the desire, or the appetite to  fight these last years. I rely more and more to Him, but that has stopped me from having this burning ambition in my heart. At this point I'm wondering, is constantly depending on luck (blessing) is all that it takes? Am I surrendering too much that I'm actually missing out ? Is this really what He has in plan for me ? 

Its so hazy these days. I just hope I can find the answer not too late, that the things or the people I need to fight for have slipped through my fingers. 

A Simple Pick Up Ride

So today after Danish class, I was just minding my own business walking to the bus stop as fast as I could since I need to be on time. But just probably 2 minutes before I got there, a car stopped by right beside me, it turns out to be my friend from Danish class. She did say she was gonna be picked up by her (i think) boyfriend by car, so I went out by myself (we usually would walk together to the bus stop).

Since it seems they were going into the same direction, I ended up being dropped right in front of my house tonight. Usually I would take 50 minutes using public transports, but tonight its only 15 minutes! I felt so happy and grateful to those two! It was a very ordinary thing to do, I mean this thing sometimes happens to me during my bachelor studies (well usually it's motorcycle). But really its a simple gesture that really made my day.

Then after arriving home I kinda remembered how bad I was at helping people I don't really know. Not long ago, I was in Jakarta Central Park Mall with my mom & dad buying some winter clothes. The thought came that we should go to the mall next door to buy some thermal clothes. After wandering around, my mom kinda met her friend out of nowhere and chatted for like 15 minutes or something. Afterwards she told me that her friends (and apparently 2 of her children) are gonna be tagging along going to the next door mall. Now at this point, this is how my brain works :

1. Introversion kicks in, reject meeting with a group of new people (and inside one car? Duh..) uncomfortably.
2. Our car can fit only 5 people, while now we are 6 peoples = not gonna be enough place.
3. My dad already has some thermal clothes from another brand, I think that would be enough.

And then its like suddenly "Aha!, I'll use excuse number 3". I told them that we already have the thermal suits so there is no need to buy another one. I lied, I should have bought one with a size fitting my body cause my dad's are gonna be one size bigger. Then I insisted that there really was no need for us to go to the next mall, so we parted ways with my mom's friends. I felt bad, but then I feel  like that's a necessary thing to do.

Back to present moment,  NOWW I THINK  I AM AN ANNOYING SCUMBAG. Introversion has pushed me to close any doors that can lead to helping others that I do not know and that sucks. I don't really deserve a pick-up ride (and I don't intent to get any). Its not really necessary to get that pick-up ride tonight, I mean the usual 50 minutes travel was acceptable. What I didn't realise was how a help can really make someone happy. My mom's friend probably doesn't really need that ride, they can take a taxi ride for a very cheap price anyways(they were carrying a lot of groceries, kinda made me felt worse).

A simple helping gesture can really makes a great day for those that we helped. That's the lesson I learned tonight. I do hope it will stick on to me so close that I would never ever reject an opportunity like that again.

Welcome! You know who you are.

Ah, if you're reading this because of a certain postcard, then this post is for you. Some weeks ago someone told me she doesn't know anything about me. So therefore I gave that someone a link to this blog. This place is really my sanctuary when all the curtains are closed and the loud world volume has been turned down. This is the place where I share things not even my close friends know of. So, feel free and browse around ! 

Against Lust

Ah today I got into the word and found this amazing writing of the Apostle Paul in Philippians 3 : 7 - 10.

7 But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. 10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,

Such beautiful words, and I won't lie, little by little everything else seems worthless compared to the joy of having Him ruling in my heart. Compared to that joy, it seems the pleasures of porn, sex, wealth, and even position seems.. tasteless. 

I remember a while back I asked my mentor "I have this addiction to porn, how do I overcome this ?" He said just shrug it off and focus to Christ. Cause the more you love Him, my love for these pleasures will get overcomed. Tonight and for the past weeks, I think I know how that felt. Loving God and having His presence is so peaceful I don't have room for those things anymore. And even when the peace was gone, it.. just doesn't feels like worth it to have this short-term pleasure. Compared to the joy I have in my heart, even sex falls short and tastes bland. Yes it is still tasty, but not as tasty as it used to be. When I have tasted the living water, everything just falls short in comparison. I guess this is truly the work of the Holy Spirit and Christ. His regeneration is indeed.. healing. 

Friends if any of you are fighting this lust, than my advice is to serve the Lord. Wait you don't feel worthy ? Actually, you were never worthy. It is only by grace and His mercy that you received this gift of salvation. No matter how dirty, just run to Him. Whenever you fall, go cry to Him. Check yourself, what baggage do you still have in your heart? Let Him take control. Let go of those holding your heart. Because the greatest feeling I have ever felt is always when I surrender to Him. When I go to Him to kneel, cry, and let Him do His job.

A year after

It's somewhat a funny thing when I glanced my blog tonight. Well yes, I should be reading some journal papers right now but never mind that.You see, there have not been any posts for the last one year, so when I look at all my past writings it became clear what I have been thinking last year. I was lost in thought and giving my future into God's hand. I listed a lot of dreams, and somehow one of those dreams actually came true. Who knows ?

Last year I was stuck in a busy, crowded, weirdly very well organised Hong Kong. Today I stormed out and walked through my very first snow-shower of Birkerød. One thought : How Great is Our God. A dream I felt too scared to say, a PhD in an European country, really did came true.

A journey of three years in an unknown place has started. This too, adds up to the all other things that has been answered so beautifully whenever I give Him the control.


Today I really don't have any specific desires of what I should do as my long term career. Today, I just want to be drenched in sweat of serving my Lord and Father. Today,  this is my life desire :

Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. (Matthew 16:24)

When in doubt, I remember.

You know that worried feeling we get when you look around and everybody seems to be moving to their desired life and you are only sitting here confused? That's exactly the spot I am right now. I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do with my life at this point of time. There. I said it. A stupid guy travelling 5 hours flight away from his home just to wonder the same question in a different timezone. 

Well okay maybe i lied a little there. The truth is, I have too many things I want to try doing in my life. I want to become an environmental consultant. I want to become a process engineer. I want to be a drilling engineer in a strange country. I want to be a management consultant with a chemical engineering expertise. I want to take a Phd in European country. I want to be a researcher in a foreign country. I want to be a technopreneur promoting a new technology in Indonesia. The list may go on if I keep imagining, but lets just cut it there. The sad thing is, I could not possibly try all of them in this lifetime. So the real question : Which path should I take ? 

Should I choose the one I enjoy the most? Well I think every path has their own fun, so thats not doable. Should I send out massive application to most of them and see the result? Sounds stupid. "If you stand for everything, you will fall for anything" some quote in the web told me. Passion? I am passionate for all of them. Kind of. So what ? Which one? What if I take this one and that one is more interesting? What if this? What if that? If you who are reading this is having the same kind of confusion about your future, you are in good company! 

So.. like how?

Then I remember.

To the time when I seem to be paralysed by an evil spirit.

To the time when I had a very chronic stomach problem that made me cannot even finish any meal served before me.

To the time when I had a severe measles a couple days away from VERY IMPORTANT graduation exams.

Never in any of those times has He failed my cry for help. During those urgent times, his help came at the perfect time.

When I was paralysed and I cried for help, his help came right away. Soothingly freeing my body through a mysterious gospel song suddenly playing out of nowhere.

When I had that stomach problem, and I wondered can I survive this disease later in my master studies abroad. Yet his healing comes at the right time. I eat so much I gained a few kilograms now.

When that measles disabled me completely from studying for the last 5 days before my graduation exam. Even thinking clearly was very hard to do because of the pain I was having. I eventually gave up trying to study and just focused on resting and praying. Thus all the pain went away hours before the exam started. I even got an A. It wasn't me, it was clearly Him. He made my mind so clear that I can get the answers so easily during the most important test of my bachelor degree. 

His help and answer will definitely come at the perfect time. I think the answer I am looking for, is just to stay calm and wait. The right time will definitely come where the path will be given to me. The path might not be the one listed in my list, but the bible says

 "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" - Proverbs 19:21 [NIV]

Keep the faith !

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21 [NIV]

A Glance to Hong Kong

It has been a very long delay in between my post, that's why I think I should start writing again. I have been living in one of Asia's heart of business, the Special Administrative Region of Hong Kong, for about 4 months. As an Indonesian who rarely travel, I automatically became an observer. Below are only the few things that catches my attention.

Figure 1. A glimpse of Hong Kong Island from Victoria Harbour

1. Skyscrapers

With only around 1104 square kilometers of land, it seems finding a place to live is going to be hard for 7,2 million residents of Hong Kong (year 2012). Maybe that's why they have tall buildings everywhere. A fun fact is these tall buildings make pollution worse in the streets, because small roads and tall walls make exhaust gases from vehicles literally trapped in our breathing level.  To my surprise, my hometown Jakarta is actually more crowded than Hong Kong (740,3 square km with resident >10 million).

2. Unfriendly Service

Not basing on any statistics, but 3 of 5 waitresses I encounter happens to be grumpy. Of course back in Indonesia, this would make me furious! We were bossing around the waiters in Indonesia, and I mean bossing. Customers can even scold waiters for not giving appropriate service. I still meet people who thinks "they should be scolded to service right". Little do they know there might just be an additional spit in their soup.

In Hong Kong, on the other hand, I would think again before asking the waiter for help. Last week I had a yam cha with my cousin, and when we asked her to cut the cake for us, she were grumbling right in front of us. Though she is talking in cantonese, I think what she said is "You ask me to do THIS KIND OF THING? You can use your chopstick to cut it yourself!" (In which she uses a chopstick to cut the soft cake and throws it angrily to the dirty dish basket). Well that pretty much sums up most Chinese restaurants in HK. Younger waiters are, in general, kinder at giving service. Its the old ones we should be careful of!

3. Never get lost

I am but just a third world country citizen who is occasionally raped by the stupid public transport system back home. A little exaggerating, but yeah you'll get the picture once you spend one month in Jakarta. In Hong Kong, I think the MTR train covers 80% of Hong Kong. Add the ba si (big bus) and siu ba (mini-bus) there, I can get anywhere by a simple browse on the internet. My friend dropped something like "In Hong Kong it is very hard to get lost, as the MTR is literally everywhere". Never bother driving a car, the public transport system is more than enough. Probably that is reason I see more Porsche and BMW in the streets, because only filthy rich people buy cars. Oh fun facts, in HK there is more BMWs than Toyotas. Yeah, What the F. 

4. Rich Javanese Maids

Don't know if I should really say rich, but if I compare their salary with fresh grads in Indonesia, they do make more. They get an average of HKD 4500 per month, free rent, free food, and weekends for vacation. In addition, their workload are fairly little. HK homes are not that big, you'll get all things done before 3 pm.  Want to sign up for becoming a HK maid?

These are really the outside skin of HK that I happen to notice. I hope I can linger more in the city to find out more of its unique features!

September 24th, 2012.

I remember 24 September 2012 like it was yesterday. It is my very first birthday lying in Santo Boromeus hospital's bed and also the third time I am hospitalized. How did I end up there? It was only because of a bowl of soto - a kind of Indonesian food - that I ate 10 minutes beforehand. I was riding a motorcycle with my friend when suddenly I feel that something is totally wrong with my body. I feel my breathing become heavier, and also a chest pain around my heart. I can feel blood is hardly pumped from my heart (which I think is a case of hypotension). Thankfully, I am actually heading to a hospital to visit a friend (and I end up getting hospitalized together, what an irony) so I go straight to the Emergency Unit. 

Birthday in hospital (true story)

It was the worst experience in my life. Have you ever felt your life is leaving you as you go ? At least, that is how I felt at that moment. Even though part of them is because of I panicking, but the fear, it is very much real.  It was at that moment that I shouted in my heart "JESUS SAVE ME" as loud as I can. 5 minutes later, I was laying helplessly in my hospital bed feeling torn apart. It took around 3 hours for me to just stand back at my two feet. I was later diagnosed as a strange case of gastritis and potassium deficiency combined together. The doctor only told me to go home, but for fear's sake (yes it is indeed a traumatic experience) he gave the option to stay at the hospital for monitoring. I took the safest choice. 

As I was spending the night there with my deteriorated body, I realize how fast it is life can be taken away from a mere human. We go on thinking that we might just live until 70-ish, even to the point of "lets do stupid things while we are young", until something like this actually happen to ourselves. At the face of death, it matters not our GPA, our fame, our position, our achievements, our lover, our parents, our house, our money, that game we have not tried yet, and all of those worldly things. Do you know what I think in that split-second ? Regrets. The things I have yet to do, and the words I have yet to say. In that regretful split-second, I pray to Him to just let me live through this. I have yet to accomplish anything ! It was then I can feel life -sort of- coming back to my body again. 

Today, it has been almost 12 months since the event. Lots of things happened in between, and I still have yet to do all the things I was thinking at that split-second. However, something else happened to myself after the incident. I gradually (not instantly) lost interest in worldly goals. Positions, achievements, college degrees, and other things does not satisfy me anymore. I shifted my passion into something less worldly, something that cannot be separated by death, something that is eternal. Achieving something did entertain me for a certain period of time, but afterwards I would feel.. "so what?". Sometimes, I hear people say that they are fighting for their own self-satisfaction. I am beginning to question are there even such a thing called self-satisfaction? It is like trying to fill in a bottomless pit. 

When death knocks on our door, what will our answer be ? Can we answer it like Paul, an apostle in the new testament, who answered, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. (2 Timothy 4 : 7)" ? 

There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. 

Pray and Be Alone With God - Paul Washer

If you have 60 minutes to do nothing, you should watch this video. Oh this is christians related, or if you want to know about christianity you can watch it too :). Enjoy and pray !

Is being nice an act of kindness ?

I was on my way to dreamland , until a tweet I saw from John Piper gave me a blow in the head. You could follow him in twitter at @JohnPiper. Here's that tweet :

"Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness." Psalm 141:5 So kindness and tenderness are not the same.

Why did this tweet gave me such an effect ? I am a genuine phlegmatic, a.k.a  peace lover. I am doing quite a good job there, even close to a fanatic, if I have to grade myself. I would give all ends to preserve peace. This is not exaggerating, I would gladly give myself as a sacrifice to calm a conflict involving myself. Prove ? Well some time ago, all the newly graduates for Chemical Engineering major were gathered by the study program chair to give critics and inputs. After the session ended, I met with my research supervisor and told him about the session. This is what he responded to :

"Bisa toh kamu Hans ngritik gitu? Kamu gak tegaan begitu."
"Hans can you really give a critic ? I see you incapable of doing so, you are too nice. "

I thought for a while, and indeed I did not give any harsh comment in the session. Although I find it hard to distinguish the reason to my action were ignorance or being nice (I have both properties as a phlegmatic) , the purpose -which I unconsciously create- is to just give the atmosphere the peace it deserves. "The session have been conducted for a long time, the people before me have made my points, for the sake of not wasting anyone's time I will just say a quick comment." This behavior might truly create peace for a short term, but is a seed for chaos in the long run. 

It is like letting a crumbling airplane full of busy passengers wanting to take off. The passengers were not in the light about the plane conditions, they just want to get to their destinations as fast as they can. What should we do for the passengers sake? The right decision in this case, would be to delay the flight for a maintenance or change vehicle. Some would complaint, and even call us names for saving their asses. That is temporary chaos, but in the long run they will eventually came to the truth and thanking us. 

Doing what others want is not kindness, it is even far from love. It is an act of ignorance, not caring. I must be getting old now, because now I see discipline as an act of love. It is so much better to hurt the one we love now, rather than letting them suffer at a later time. Stop following our heart so much, use that brain for a change. Men, make a girl cry now with the truth rather than constantly giving fake consolation. That is kindness. 

Si vis pacem, para bellum. - If you want peace, prepare for war. 

A Lesson from Wealth

First of all, I want to explain my reason for choosing the word 'wealth' at the title. While I see many people -especially those books at a certain foreign bookstore- defining success as having a wealthy pocket, I disagree.  I do not think a successful person necessarily need to have a multibillion business empire. Success is as simple as a housewife who raise her child to be a man/woman of good values and character. She is a successful housewife, and thus a successful person. Wealth on the other hand, is a completely different subject to discuss (at least for me). Well lets not take my word for it, because 4 years in engineering had taught me to always cite from a reliable source! According to Oxford Dictionaries Online, success can be defined as the accomplishment of an aim or purpose. Read again my opinion, and you'll notice wealth is not my life purpose :). 

The topic, however, is very interesting that I want to blog it. I had the inspiration when I was randomly looking at Indonesia's Top 40 richest person in Forbes. You can look it up yourself here. Initially, my goal of clicking the page was to find out who is in charge at what company. Yet the stories and traits I found is indeed alluring. I have yet to look at the stories for all 40 people, but I have looked at some of them and came with a certain similarity between them. Below, I choose to cover some of the characters short life stories. 

1. Eka Tjipta Widjaja

Mr Eka Tjipta (Courtesy of The Straits Times © Singapore Press Holdings Ltd.)

Mr. Eka is an immigrant from China, and have started working since the age of 9. He barely graduated from elementary school, because of Japan invasion at the time. His economy was very tight at that moment, but even amongst the difficulties he faced he managed to develop a "concept" of door to door selling. He sold stuffs such as biscuits from his parents' store by using bicycle. He faced many difficulties in his early years, but he stand by it because of a principle. 

"We can face any hardships that might arise, as long as we have the will to fight. We must remain persevere every time faced with difficulties, and always be wise in spending the pennies we earn."

Today he is the owner of Sinar Mas Group and holds an asset of USD 7,7 Billion. Mr. Eka currently ranks #2 in Indonesia Richest Man. 

2. Djoko Susanto

Mr. Djoko Susanto (Courtesy of www.eciputra.com)

In his young days, Mr. Djoko Susanto worked at his parents store located in Jakarta. He dropped out of high school when he was 17. The store was not what you would call lively, because it only sold food. It seems food only store was not very consumer-attracting. Young Djoko thought that if things were to go like this everyday, the store would go bankrupt. He decided to change the store concept from food to cigarette store. His "hunch" was right, this made the store gained new customers from smokers to wholesale seller. It tuns out his new idea not only bring a great portion of profit, but also the interest of Mr. Putera Sampoerna, who had the largest national cigarette business at the time. They formed a joint store named "Alfa Toko Gudang Rabat" and this was the root of todays Alfamart. Even though their joint business must be separated later on, Mr. Djoko continue managing the store until it became todays very big chain of convenience store. 

Todays Alfamart franchise have 6.000 stores nationwide -if not more- and this made Mr. Djoko Susanto the #20 Richest Man in Indonesia. His asset, as Forbes count in March 2013 is worth USD 1,6 Billion.

Thoughts 

I will not question their orientation of money. But aside from the justification of selling cigarette, I find their journey very inspiring. How often is it that we've seen people giving up to their situation? Making up weaknesses as their shield to protect from the ever judging eyes of people ? 

"I am poor and uneducated, I can't find a decent job, I'll just blame the government for not establishing a good work opportunity for me." I hope I'm wrong, but I think there are TOO MANY people out there in Indonesia living with these thought. As easy pointing the finger out to someone else is, blaming another will not get us anywhere.

Mr. Eka Tjipta said, we should never surrender to problem. Stay calm, calculate all the resources at hand, play them well, and the most important is to stop being consumptive! Save your income for that dream apartment, not spend it instantly for an iPhone 5. 

Perseverance is enough for some cases, but what if we're trying hard at the wrong road, the wrong business, the wrong career? That's the lesson from entrepreneur Djoko Santoso. Take that risk of changing your pace, it might change our life completely. Analyze our situation, make that big decision. Trust me on this:  Failure is better than standing still. 

Be careful if you think you stand, cause you just might be sinking. - Casting Crowns

Source :

http://www.tempo.co/read/news/2011/11/26/089368569/Kisah-Joko-Alfamart-Susanto-Si-Miliarder-Baru
www.ekatjiptafoundation.org
www.forbes.com
www.eciputra.com