Strong Mind Weak Mind

It's the era of social media nowadays. For better or worse, the direct effect of this phenomenon is that people are expressing their thoughts freely using their statuses; be it Facebook, Twitter, Path, or other. Some people share their composed thinking on an issue, and it's great to learn an interesting point of view every now and then. Other times, we are faced with people either boasting or complaining about their situation. "Oh its so tired" "I'm so grateful!" I might even have done it once unconciously :). However as an individual who values "mental strenght" I have a particular disgust to people who rants or complaints in social media about LOVE. More so if its a guy in their 20s. I mean, come on, you're not a teenager anymore. Doesn't work with a girl ? Move on. No need to show the world for your weakness.

I had my share of troubles also with girls, or friends, or colleagues, but I still survive. I got cut off from social interaction and people hated me for a period of time, yet here I am still breathing. So when comparing to my experience like that, the thought "Seriously dude, love problems ? Why can't you just deal with it? You're like 20 something and working! DON'T BE A LOSER." Everytime a status like this strolls by  my news feed I get seriously annoyed and got real close to comment unimaginable ruthless words.

Yesterday though, I read a status like this and got annoyed as always. But then that got me thinking, why is it that I can pretty much deal with girl problems easier this days ? Is it true that I have a strong mind over mental issues ? Well I am indeed an introvert, so solitary and isolation is my forte. Yet as I drill my memory back in time, I remember how I have also been really frustrated and sad. But I don't want to rant on social media, I don't feel like showing a hint of weakness anywhere. I guess pride got the better of me instead of sadness. But I still need to channel my frustration somehow, where did I vent them to ?

As I remember, it all makes sense now. There was always someone to rant to. Always someone to cry to and be perfectly weak. It's not that I have a strong mind, I am indeed very weak. Probably not any different with the people ranting about love in social media. I remember it was indeed Jesus who calms my mind. By His grace and love that I was nurtured and hugged. That when I was in my most vulnerable and weak, I can find rest in Him. I would cry to Him and surrender everything to Him, since there are really nothing that can be done. But it was always that when I give Him full control, when I stopped forcing my way and just trust him that things got a turn to the better. It wasn't me, it was Him who made me strong. 

8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast (Eph 2:8-9)

I kinda feel bad now for looking down at someone's weakness.How I wish he would know that he doesn't need anything else, that Jesus is actually enough.

An encounter with Heidi Baker.

My church held a conference last weekend, inviting foreign pastors to speak the word of God. One of the speakers is Heidi Baker. She is the reason why I want to go to this conference. All that I know when I bought the ticket was she is a missionary in Africa and dedicates her life there. Little do I know that she is far far more than that story. She is a woman who truly loves God, to the point that I who was sitting 50 meters away could be touched just seeing her being immersed in the Holy Spirit. It was said in Acts that even touching the robe that Paul had worn can do healing. After seeing Heidi, I can see why she can perform miracles of healing and such. She truly loves the Lord.

Heidi Preaching in Mozambique (source: www.irisglobal.org)

Heidi was a normal girl particularly really loving ballet. She even spent a one year internship in Switzerland learning them. Please do note that I know nothing about dancing and such, so I'm not sure if there would be some discrepancies about my description in this ballet :). Anyway the point is she really loved ballet. Until suddenly she met Jesus in one point of her life. An encounter so powerful it seems, that she accepted Christ as her lord and saviour in one day and was baptised by the Holy Spirit the next day. Just by hearing her story I realised, God will definitely use her for something big. She said that she was born again in a Pentacostal church, and after she was born again they gave her a long list of what she can never do again. Heidi was so in love with Jesus that she didn't care whatever it was, she would stop doing anything. However one of the things that she needs to give up is dancing. 

Let's pause for a while and reflect, what is the thing you really love doing in your life? Travelling ? Drawing and making designs ? Playing music? Singing? (or if you're like me) Doing some science experiments? Making a whole lot of money? Climbing the career path? Imagine right now that God says you no longer will be able to do it anymore. I will definitely cry my heart out and say "ANYTHING BUT THAT LORD!". Heidi was also like me, she was deeply in pain and grieved. But note this: She loved Jesus more, so she gave up ballet. The grief lasted for around 9 days. Just as it's not enough, now God says to marry Roland Baker. Seems not a big deal, until she told us that she was already engaged to someone which she loved very dearly. Another thing got ripped out of her heart, and she obeyed the Lord. She met this Roland and after just one week of meeting him they got married.

However her obedience leads her to travel the world according to what God says to her. She went to Indonesia, Hong Kong, England, (maybe some other places), until finally landed in Mozambique. Where her ministry remains fruitful until today. There were a lot of struggles in her ministry there, if you're interested to know more you can open this link here . However one thing stays true : her supernatural faith and obedience to the Lord.

After she had spent some time in Mozambique, she got invited to a conference in Brazil. Before it was her turn to take the stage, there were ballet dancers dancing for the Lord. Heidi said that their techniques and turns were just perfect, especially if you were once trained for ballet. It reminded her about the ballet she once so loved about. Then when she preached, at one point the whole audience, her, and even the committee was so full of God's presence that they were all facing down to the floor. Unable to get up, the two ballerinas crawled their way up to Heidi and laid their toe-shoes in front of her. The message they brought was this, "The Lord says: Thank you for dancing with me across the world these past years.". It brought tears to my eyes. Heidi said how could you not feel so happy being thanked by the Lord ? She was completely happy, and then after the ballerinas, now come a man paralyzed from the neck down. He was brought by his friends to Heidi to be healed. Heidi then crawled to him, looked him in the eyes, and said, "Do you want to dance? Get up! Let's Dance!" And so he miraculously was healed and got up. They had the most amazing dance ever afterwards.

After telling this story, she said something like this, "I was so ashamed to think that giving up ballet was painful. Seeing a paralyzed man to walk on his feet brings joy far greater than ballet could ever give". 

I was so touched by Heidi, even though she didn't even laid hands on me at all. When I got home, I prayed and was immersed with the Holy Spirit. I want to love Jesus as much as Heidi Baker did. Then in my heart I felt a glimpse of what God's future for me was. To go to places I have never imagined before. I, was scared. For the first time in my life, I am afraid of God's plan. I am afraid what God has planned for me, requires me to throw away everything I possess today. I have always longed to love Jesus, and to trust Him unconditionally. But this one, it was the hardest ever. 

Good guys lose, but it doesn't matter.

Yesterday I watched the battle of Manny Pacquiao against Floyd Mayweather, Jr. I am not an avid boxing fan or anything, but sometimes I like to follow on their stories, especially about Manny. I remember seeing Manny fight in the TVs a few years back and he was astounding and amazing. Even better, he came from Philippines, a neighbour of my own country! However after a while when I watched Manny fought again, I felt like he was not as good as I imagined him before. 

And so came the fight that was really talked around (in 9gag, at least), and I get dragged to watch this boxing match again. My senses told me that, Manny is not as good as he was and this Mayweather guy (with 0 lose track record) seems to have the upper hand. But somedays before the fated battle, 9gag was filled with how Manny spends his time donating and helping the poor. Meanwhile Mayweather is just some douchebag who spends his ass with luxury. After slightly indoctrinated with this, I have the hope that Manny should win ! He's that nice guy and the whole world loves him ! He should be allowed to win, I mean he has this "Jesus is the name of the Lord" written in his T-shirt before his fight! He's the good guy, God must be with him!

But when the bell rang, it was clear only just after a few rounds that he can barely hit Mayweather who is controlling the pace of the battle. In my opinion, Manny lost deservingly. The way Mayweather fights is not cowardly, that is a strategy to win and it pull through. He won by a well-deserved unanimous decision

Now this event will certainly broke the hearts of the many fans. A good guy who helps the poor lost while the rich douchebag wins. Life is just not as fair as the movies isn't it? Movies will end with Manny giving Mayweather the K.O punch, but real life just is not as good. Just because you are good,   just because you are kind and royal, just because you love Jesus Christ your God, does not mean that you will win all your battles. It doesn't mean 100% winning rate like what Mayweather has in his boxing career (up until now). It still means that you will lose the fights you so deservingly should be given victory of. It still means that even after all that money you donate, after all the volunteering and after all that love, you will still be treated badly. Even if you do the good things, the world might still defeat you in the end. 

It's a reminder that it's not always about the output, but it's about the process. Manny lost, yes indeed, but his boxing career has been an inspiration and has saved a lot of people. Even after he lost, he still has the love of the people for him. God gave Manny enough wins already, enough for him to touch a lot of people by His name. Maybe He thinks winning this fight is not as important, compared to the other things God has planned for him. It's also the same with us, isn't it?

We love Christ, and we do good things because He loved us first. But then why is my financial still a problem ? Why is it always that douche who got the credit ? Why is my research still standing still ? The answer should be obvious : who promised you an easy life ? God saved Paul from being an abuser of Christians by saying "For I will show Him how much he must suffer for My name's sake". It's a mistake to think good guys always win. No, we will still lose, but to a renewed heart, what does it matter ? The perfect gift for us would be seeing our Father smile at us and say "I am well pleased in you, my child". 

Fire

Set a fire down in my soul that I can't contain, I can't control. I want more of You God, I want more of You God. (Jesus Culture - Set a Fire)

But if I say, " I will not mention his word or speak anymore in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot (Jeremiah 19:9 - NIV)

For my generation Lord, I am crying out for more. Come and fill me with your fire, set me ablaze. (Planetshakers - Set Me Ablaze)

I don't really have anything to say, just that these words, relates to me for a long while now. I long that my heart will always be burnt with His love. Burning brighter and hotter with each passing day.  

Discipline for the heart

Last week I got tricked by a guy and lost around 400 Kroners + 50 Euros from my wallet. I was furious and felt really dumb when I realised. However there is more to this story than just that. A story of how God tests the heart of His children. A story of how God chastises his child to always be in the right path.

This is the fourth month I've been in Denmark, and that would also imply I have received 3 monthly salaries. I checked my monthly balance and became surprised of how much I can actually save up in a month. So that tragic morning I was wandering around Copenhagen and Nørrebro to get a cheap haircut. Inside the train and inside the bus, my mind was wandering around on what I could do with the money I have. Should I go on a vacation next month ? Should I buy an expensive racket instead ? I was indulging myself in the imagination of luxury. I guess those are pretty normal thoughts for someone who never earns a lot of money (If I change it to IDR it is really a lot).

Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the LORD?' Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God. (Proverbs 30:8-9)

So I was switching trains in Hellerup Station when someone calls me with Danish (looked like an immigrant) and the only word I can hear is "change" while He is shoving a coin of 20 Kroners to me. Usually I would just shrug him off and say I don't have any change, but that fateful morning I took my wallet out in front of him and showed him the coins I have. Sort of saying which one do you want ? As soon as I took my wallet out He closed in to a really uncomfortable distance that I want to back off, but I didn't. So for a 30 seconds I was just looking at my wallet with Him while showing him the coins I have. After 1 minute or so He suddenly backed off, while before he was really insisting of getting some change. It was really fishy, but then I gave him 4 kroners and went away. Feeling uncomfortable, I checked my wallet just 1 minute after encountering that guy, and realise that all my paper money has been gone. I had a good look of my money when we were looking at my coins, so this really hit me and made me really furious.

Thankfully my anger doesn't last for long. I realise what had just happened. Just the sunday beforehand, my church sermon was talking about having just enough (above verse). Cause If we have too much we might be proud and forgets that it was all given from Him. This is the message that I (think) I got :

See Hans, you may have some extra money,  but remember as fast those money was entrusted to you, they can be taken away as fast. Is this not what I said in Matthew 6:19-20 "19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20"But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal" ? Have you forgotten why I have put you in Denmark? You are here for my purpose, not to indulge in worldly desires. 

I used to pray: "God lead me to the right path. Discipline me if I wander off your path, do anything that you want so I will stay in the right track because I will surely stray off your path." Funny how He answers in such a way. 

(Hebrews 12:11) No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Children of Light.

[Psalm 51:1-6]
Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

I am a sinful, dirty, and unworthy piece of junk.
I realise , like the psalmist, that my transgressions were so big.
My heart breaks whenever I fall into temptation. I felt a cold emptiness marching into my feelings.
Whenever fear and lust breaks in from the front door, I always succumb.
Ah, surely I am really deserved to be punished.
The fiery pit must be my end journey.

[Psalm 51:10-12]
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.

But I know my God, like the psalmist who never gives up hope.
In that day, He said, I will remember their sins no more.

Jesus Christ was the price for me to still have hope.
The sinless man died for the junk that is me, so that this junk may have another chance for an everlasting life.

Lord equip my new life with your Holy Spirit, so that I may live as children of light.
My God said to me "He who began the good works in you will carry it on to completion"
His covenant is this :
He will finish reshaping my heart. He will take out the parasites rotting in my heart.

Lord I long for that day to come.

More than travelling the European continent.
More than seeing the wonders this earth can offer.
More than settling in a stable life.
More than getting fame and successful results.
More than having a wife of noble character.

I long for your everlasting presence in my life.

So discipline me, oh Lord, but only in due measure.
Chastise me whenever I turn to the wrong path.

Lord you say that if even I have faith as big as a mustard seed, i can command a tree and it will obey.
Grant me obedience. Grant me a faith that can even move mountains.
That in the end of my days, I may proudly say : I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have kept the faith.

Against Lust

Ah today I got into the word and found this amazing writing of the Apostle Paul in Philippians 3 : 7 - 10.

7 But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. 10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,

Such beautiful words, and I won't lie, little by little everything else seems worthless compared to the joy of having Him ruling in my heart. Compared to that joy, it seems the pleasures of porn, sex, wealth, and even position seems.. tasteless. 

I remember a while back I asked my mentor "I have this addiction to porn, how do I overcome this ?" He said just shrug it off and focus to Christ. Cause the more you love Him, my love for these pleasures will get overcomed. Tonight and for the past weeks, I think I know how that felt. Loving God and having His presence is so peaceful I don't have room for those things anymore. And even when the peace was gone, it.. just doesn't feels like worth it to have this short-term pleasure. Compared to the joy I have in my heart, even sex falls short and tastes bland. Yes it is still tasty, but not as tasty as it used to be. When I have tasted the living water, everything just falls short in comparison. I guess this is truly the work of the Holy Spirit and Christ. His regeneration is indeed.. healing. 

Friends if any of you are fighting this lust, than my advice is to serve the Lord. Wait you don't feel worthy ? Actually, you were never worthy. It is only by grace and His mercy that you received this gift of salvation. No matter how dirty, just run to Him. Whenever you fall, go cry to Him. Check yourself, what baggage do you still have in your heart? Let Him take control. Let go of those holding your heart. Because the greatest feeling I have ever felt is always when I surrender to Him. When I go to Him to kneel, cry, and let Him do His job.

When in doubt, I remember.

You know that worried feeling we get when you look around and everybody seems to be moving to their desired life and you are only sitting here confused? That's exactly the spot I am right now. I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do with my life at this point of time. There. I said it. A stupid guy travelling 5 hours flight away from his home just to wonder the same question in a different timezone. 

Well okay maybe i lied a little there. The truth is, I have too many things I want to try doing in my life. I want to become an environmental consultant. I want to become a process engineer. I want to be a drilling engineer in a strange country. I want to be a management consultant with a chemical engineering expertise. I want to take a Phd in European country. I want to be a researcher in a foreign country. I want to be a technopreneur promoting a new technology in Indonesia. The list may go on if I keep imagining, but lets just cut it there. The sad thing is, I could not possibly try all of them in this lifetime. So the real question : Which path should I take ? 

Should I choose the one I enjoy the most? Well I think every path has their own fun, so thats not doable. Should I send out massive application to most of them and see the result? Sounds stupid. "If you stand for everything, you will fall for anything" some quote in the web told me. Passion? I am passionate for all of them. Kind of. So what ? Which one? What if I take this one and that one is more interesting? What if this? What if that? If you who are reading this is having the same kind of confusion about your future, you are in good company! 

So.. like how?

Then I remember.

To the time when I seem to be paralysed by an evil spirit.

To the time when I had a very chronic stomach problem that made me cannot even finish any meal served before me.

To the time when I had a severe measles a couple days away from VERY IMPORTANT graduation exams.

Never in any of those times has He failed my cry for help. During those urgent times, his help came at the perfect time.

When I was paralysed and I cried for help, his help came right away. Soothingly freeing my body through a mysterious gospel song suddenly playing out of nowhere.

When I had that stomach problem, and I wondered can I survive this disease later in my master studies abroad. Yet his healing comes at the right time. I eat so much I gained a few kilograms now.

When that measles disabled me completely from studying for the last 5 days before my graduation exam. Even thinking clearly was very hard to do because of the pain I was having. I eventually gave up trying to study and just focused on resting and praying. Thus all the pain went away hours before the exam started. I even got an A. It wasn't me, it was clearly Him. He made my mind so clear that I can get the answers so easily during the most important test of my bachelor degree. 

His help and answer will definitely come at the perfect time. I think the answer I am looking for, is just to stay calm and wait. The right time will definitely come where the path will be given to me. The path might not be the one listed in my list, but the bible says

 "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" - Proverbs 19:21 [NIV]

Keep the faith !

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21 [NIV]