Discipline for the heart

Last week I got tricked by a guy and lost around 400 Kroners + 50 Euros from my wallet. I was furious and felt really dumb when I realised. However there is more to this story than just that. A story of how God tests the heart of His children. A story of how God chastises his child to always be in the right path.

This is the fourth month I've been in Denmark, and that would also imply I have received 3 monthly salaries. I checked my monthly balance and became surprised of how much I can actually save up in a month. So that tragic morning I was wandering around Copenhagen and Nørrebro to get a cheap haircut. Inside the train and inside the bus, my mind was wandering around on what I could do with the money I have. Should I go on a vacation next month ? Should I buy an expensive racket instead ? I was indulging myself in the imagination of luxury. I guess those are pretty normal thoughts for someone who never earns a lot of money (If I change it to IDR it is really a lot).

Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the LORD?' Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God. (Proverbs 30:8-9)

So I was switching trains in Hellerup Station when someone calls me with Danish (looked like an immigrant) and the only word I can hear is "change" while He is shoving a coin of 20 Kroners to me. Usually I would just shrug him off and say I don't have any change, but that fateful morning I took my wallet out in front of him and showed him the coins I have. Sort of saying which one do you want ? As soon as I took my wallet out He closed in to a really uncomfortable distance that I want to back off, but I didn't. So for a 30 seconds I was just looking at my wallet with Him while showing him the coins I have. After 1 minute or so He suddenly backed off, while before he was really insisting of getting some change. It was really fishy, but then I gave him 4 kroners and went away. Feeling uncomfortable, I checked my wallet just 1 minute after encountering that guy, and realise that all my paper money has been gone. I had a good look of my money when we were looking at my coins, so this really hit me and made me really furious.

Thankfully my anger doesn't last for long. I realise what had just happened. Just the sunday beforehand, my church sermon was talking about having just enough (above verse). Cause If we have too much we might be proud and forgets that it was all given from Him. This is the message that I (think) I got :

See Hans, you may have some extra money,  but remember as fast those money was entrusted to you, they can be taken away as fast. Is this not what I said in Matthew 6:19-20 "19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20"But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal" ? Have you forgotten why I have put you in Denmark? You are here for my purpose, not to indulge in worldly desires. 

I used to pray: "God lead me to the right path. Discipline me if I wander off your path, do anything that you want so I will stay in the right track because I will surely stray off your path." Funny how He answers in such a way. 

(Hebrews 12:11) No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Children of Light.

[Psalm 51:1-6]
Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

I am a sinful, dirty, and unworthy piece of junk.
I realise , like the psalmist, that my transgressions were so big.
My heart breaks whenever I fall into temptation. I felt a cold emptiness marching into my feelings.
Whenever fear and lust breaks in from the front door, I always succumb.
Ah, surely I am really deserved to be punished.
The fiery pit must be my end journey.

[Psalm 51:10-12]
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.

But I know my God, like the psalmist who never gives up hope.
In that day, He said, I will remember their sins no more.

Jesus Christ was the price for me to still have hope.
The sinless man died for the junk that is me, so that this junk may have another chance for an everlasting life.

Lord equip my new life with your Holy Spirit, so that I may live as children of light.
My God said to me "He who began the good works in you will carry it on to completion"
His covenant is this :
He will finish reshaping my heart. He will take out the parasites rotting in my heart.

Lord I long for that day to come.

More than travelling the European continent.
More than seeing the wonders this earth can offer.
More than settling in a stable life.
More than getting fame and successful results.
More than having a wife of noble character.

I long for your everlasting presence in my life.

So discipline me, oh Lord, but only in due measure.
Chastise me whenever I turn to the wrong path.

Lord you say that if even I have faith as big as a mustard seed, i can command a tree and it will obey.
Grant me obedience. Grant me a faith that can even move mountains.
That in the end of my days, I may proudly say : I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have kept the faith.

In moonless nights, the stars will guide.

Every day I would usually arrive in my house late at night. From my bus stop to my house, there is this steep small hill around 20 meters in height. There are no lights there, and there are some bushes blocking the way so it's hard to pave my way to my house. Thankfully for me, I'm living in the middle of nowhere! 

When the sky is clear, moonlight is all it takes to lighten that dark path so I can evade the bushes. Tonight there was not any moon, seems because yesterday was a full moon. The path was a bit dark, but I realise there were a lot of stars on the sky. Those little beautiful things sparkle and gave me a bit of vision through my path, although not as bright as the moon. 

The stars reminded me of the moon, how it usually shines my path back home cozily. But some nights aren't as good, during snow or rain the clouds would linger and block any light. I usually would then take another route rather than get my shoes all muddy and wet going through the hill. So during the nights the moon was shining, I always felt thankful. 

For the past days and weeks, the moon hasn't showed herself. I can still get myself home, but it takes more effort than it usually is. Things are still going on and research are going to a bit of a good direction, still there's this unease that I can't get off my chest.  At times the sun would shine and joy would return. Many times, in fact that happens. But during the nights, I always wished the moon was there. Thankfully for me, I have a lot of stars during these moonless night, looking at them while dozing off seemed to calm my unease even for a little while. I hope to just fly off to space and land there for once, but the distance is of course, can't be overcame that easy. I miss the moon. 

The stars

Some were born lucky, some were born to fight

The quote in this blog post title came from a path post I saw over months ago. It was used, in the context that the original poster "OP" is someone who fights his / her way to their current position. From a lot of hard work, and chasing their dream. The first thing that came to my mind when I saw the quote was, I am in the former category.

Yes, I was born lucky. So lucky that I don't know how it became that I can be taking a PhD here in DTU. I don't have any research experience nor do I have any publications to start, what else can I think of if I'm not lucky? This doesn't really happen instantly. Throughout my 24 years of living, luck has been the major factor if I could really relate them. I was born into a comfortable family. We're not that rich, but having more than 1 car and a 2 floor house is actually something to be thankful of. 

I don't really have all the gaming consoles or fancy toys when I was growing up, but I had enough toys to play with. I was lucky to be given a brain that can work itself easily. Maybe even myself getting into Indonesia's best (yes, you read that right) engineering school was also luck. I mean I didn't even study for the entrance exam (sort of giving up). When I was in ITB, I could often get an A with only 2-3 days of studying. 

Yes, there are some people who are more talented than me, but I was already better than the vast majority. It was not until my final year of my bachelor degree, that I realise how lucky and blessed I am for having this brain of mine. My supervisor said that I was DAMN LAZY, but thankfully I'm smart so I manage to score a lot of A's. I always thought I was already very hardworking then, but now that I'm in grad school scrolling through lots of papers, I know he was actually right. I had not trained myself discipline in understanding concepts, and now I had to pay the price. My rhythm is completely messed up, that today I was practically doing absolutely nothing useful in my office. 

I could probably go on to count luck in for ALL of my achievements in my CV. I didn't really gave my 100% in all of those, not until I'm cornered though. However along the ways, this luck of mine is actually what I would say a blessing. Atheists might say this as luck, but all of these were all because of His gracious gifts. 

I used to be an ambitious person wanting to score stuffs and get as much achievement as I can, but now I don't have that desire anymore. I have yet to find anything worth fighting these days, not even a girlfriend. I don't have the motivation, the desire, or the appetite to  fight these last years. I rely more and more to Him, but that has stopped me from having this burning ambition in my heart. At this point I'm wondering, is constantly depending on luck (blessing) is all that it takes? Am I surrendering too much that I'm actually missing out ? Is this really what He has in plan for me ? 

Its so hazy these days. I just hope I can find the answer not too late, that the things or the people I need to fight for have slipped through my fingers. 

A Simple Pick Up Ride

So today after Danish class, I was just minding my own business walking to the bus stop as fast as I could since I need to be on time. But just probably 2 minutes before I got there, a car stopped by right beside me, it turns out to be my friend from Danish class. She did say she was gonna be picked up by her (i think) boyfriend by car, so I went out by myself (we usually would walk together to the bus stop).

Since it seems they were going into the same direction, I ended up being dropped right in front of my house tonight. Usually I would take 50 minutes using public transports, but tonight its only 15 minutes! I felt so happy and grateful to those two! It was a very ordinary thing to do, I mean this thing sometimes happens to me during my bachelor studies (well usually it's motorcycle). But really its a simple gesture that really made my day.

Then after arriving home I kinda remembered how bad I was at helping people I don't really know. Not long ago, I was in Jakarta Central Park Mall with my mom & dad buying some winter clothes. The thought came that we should go to the mall next door to buy some thermal clothes. After wandering around, my mom kinda met her friend out of nowhere and chatted for like 15 minutes or something. Afterwards she told me that her friends (and apparently 2 of her children) are gonna be tagging along going to the next door mall. Now at this point, this is how my brain works :

1. Introversion kicks in, reject meeting with a group of new people (and inside one car? Duh..) uncomfortably.
2. Our car can fit only 5 people, while now we are 6 peoples = not gonna be enough place.
3. My dad already has some thermal clothes from another brand, I think that would be enough.

And then its like suddenly "Aha!, I'll use excuse number 3". I told them that we already have the thermal suits so there is no need to buy another one. I lied, I should have bought one with a size fitting my body cause my dad's are gonna be one size bigger. Then I insisted that there really was no need for us to go to the next mall, so we parted ways with my mom's friends. I felt bad, but then I feel  like that's a necessary thing to do.

Back to present moment,  NOWW I THINK  I AM AN ANNOYING SCUMBAG. Introversion has pushed me to close any doors that can lead to helping others that I do not know and that sucks. I don't really deserve a pick-up ride (and I don't intent to get any). Its not really necessary to get that pick-up ride tonight, I mean the usual 50 minutes travel was acceptable. What I didn't realise was how a help can really make someone happy. My mom's friend probably doesn't really need that ride, they can take a taxi ride for a very cheap price anyways(they were carrying a lot of groceries, kinda made me felt worse).

A simple helping gesture can really makes a great day for those that we helped. That's the lesson I learned tonight. I do hope it will stick on to me so close that I would never ever reject an opportunity like that again.

Welcome! You know who you are.

Ah, if you're reading this because of a certain postcard, then this post is for you. Some weeks ago someone told me she doesn't know anything about me. So therefore I gave that someone a link to this blog. This place is really my sanctuary when all the curtains are closed and the loud world volume has been turned down. This is the place where I share things not even my close friends know of. So, feel free and browse around ! 

Against Lust

Ah today I got into the word and found this amazing writing of the Apostle Paul in Philippians 3 : 7 - 10.

7 But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. 10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,

Such beautiful words, and I won't lie, little by little everything else seems worthless compared to the joy of having Him ruling in my heart. Compared to that joy, it seems the pleasures of porn, sex, wealth, and even position seems.. tasteless. 

I remember a while back I asked my mentor "I have this addiction to porn, how do I overcome this ?" He said just shrug it off and focus to Christ. Cause the more you love Him, my love for these pleasures will get overcomed. Tonight and for the past weeks, I think I know how that felt. Loving God and having His presence is so peaceful I don't have room for those things anymore. And even when the peace was gone, it.. just doesn't feels like worth it to have this short-term pleasure. Compared to the joy I have in my heart, even sex falls short and tastes bland. Yes it is still tasty, but not as tasty as it used to be. When I have tasted the living water, everything just falls short in comparison. I guess this is truly the work of the Holy Spirit and Christ. His regeneration is indeed.. healing. 

Friends if any of you are fighting this lust, than my advice is to serve the Lord. Wait you don't feel worthy ? Actually, you were never worthy. It is only by grace and His mercy that you received this gift of salvation. No matter how dirty, just run to Him. Whenever you fall, go cry to Him. Check yourself, what baggage do you still have in your heart? Let Him take control. Let go of those holding your heart. Because the greatest feeling I have ever felt is always when I surrender to Him. When I go to Him to kneel, cry, and let Him do His job.